School was horrible.
i cried. i feel very very upset. NIke, i miss nike. i pasted a photo of him on my table.

I HAT CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

China killed my cat with their melamin milk!!
;(

i want to be an egyptian now. in the egyptian culture, when their family cat dies, they will shave their eyebrows. ;`(

i kept crying the whole night and in school.
i couldnt sleep and i dont have any appetite to eat.
NIke, the whole family is emo.
now, there is no more you to play with me.
nikita is looking for you. she keep meowing meowing.











I buried him in a big flower pot!
and i hope the plant that grows will always make us feel your presence.















Chapel was worst!!
they kept saying "NIKE"!!!!!!!!!

argh!! Goddamn you!!
:`(












Im off, i wont be at home. dont call me,


Naz, Go To hell! God Bless you




-MonsterGirl

NIKE IS DEAD


This is so unfair, i have to deal with grief and loss a whole lot of Goddamn time in my life, :`(
WHY?!!!


and NAZ, thank you for making my Goddamn day worst!
i hate you!
go Fuck yourself and get out!!!!
-MonsterGirl

NIke is dying. There is nothing we can do to save him.
THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
SO UNFAIR!
;`(
The time now is 1755.
he is going to die, tomorrow.
he`s whole body is stoned. everyone in the family is so sad and crying.
im crying. This is so unfair.
:,(
-MonsterGirl

Today, it was a miracle.

Thank you God for making this day happen.

i met A blind man at the bus stop. i was dressed up so gothy. i wanted to help him because he looked lost. but i figured perhaps not because it is so "uncool" to help.

But, i felt a need to help him. but before that i was giving myself excuses to not help him like "he doesnt speak english" "He wont notice me" but i shut my thought up and went up to him.

I said
MG: Erm, hey man, you need help?
BM: Thank you, yes please. I need to take bus 231 or 59 is the bus here yet
MG: erm no, the bus hasnt arrived yet. you wanna seat down?


then i brought him to the seat and we had a conversation.
A very SPECIAL conversation.
when his bus arrived, he held my hand and i brought him to the door and offered to bring him up the bus but he said its alright he can manage. I swear, the looks on the faces of the bus passengers was "OMG?!! WHAT IS SHE DOING HELPING THAT BLIND MAN?!" yeah, because i looked like a goth rascal kid. the kind who doesnt help others. -_-
i swear, after that conversation and incident, i felt better. the days that i felt down are healed with just a conversation with this man. Thank you GOD.




My cat nike is sick :(
he cant pee or defecate ;( he looks so sad and depressed. he is in pain. he wlks realy slowly.
Oh God, what is wrong with nike?
:,(
-MonsterGirl

i met new relations today. D:

Kimmy`s "advocate" syirr and Zombie boy`s Noah,

-_-.

OMGOTH, you guys are some sweet ass nice hardcore kids. -_-


Thanks Bixch, im not a whxore

-MonsterGirl

Today, we had captain`s ball for PE. D:
and i kept disturbing the opponent`s team by asking them, "YOU!! You took my dairy!"

i found my dairy anyways. -_-
not gonna talk about it.

ZEEQ MONSTER!!!
I SHANT SPEAK TO YOU EVER AGAIN!!!


-MonsterGirl

p.s i did editing. D:

Botonical Gardens Pictures with Vampire (her art)
























Today i felt like a Zombie.
during Chapel, i sat beside vampire and mahera.
Mahera, you are really funny. D:
and she keeps asking me, "still thinking ah?"
PANG! if only i brought along my sense of humor, i would have joke along with her.

Then i went home ALONE.
because Nurul had CCA clique disappeared home,
but i met up with JoeH and she was really nice to talk to.
I miss talking to JoeH.
:(

Today went home and edited some photos.

Oh, just now, OTW home, i got a phonecall from ZombieBoyD:
Talk to ZombieBoy all the way home.
ahah. funny guy. cant wait to skate and hang out with bad ass clan. D:
you hear that Sara, i said it,
I MISS BAD ASS CLAN.

BAD ASS CLAN,
you complete me.
Zacky misantrophe
AL rotter
Kimmy Silence
ZeeqMonster
Gothic Sara
Macbeth
MonsterGirl
AshHicKILLory
Shane RXC
Christly Zombie
Elise Zombie
ZombieGirl,
MonsterBoy
ZombieBoy
Ahmad DND


i miss all of you.
i miss the holidays.
school life is driving me insane,
but im glad that i have you guys to make me feel better.


The truth, i think i lost my friendship with Kazell.



H, i remember, we used to text one another and tell each other about our cats.

Eyes lie filled with disdain,

in the end you'll forget my name.

But not the image i leave in your eyes,

screaming and gleaming, you hear my cries.

Cries of anger and cries of pain, cries of a blood filled game.

Sick and tortured filled to the brim, life worth living but only without sin.

Upside down and inside out,

Go fuck yourself now get out!!

If you don't know me you never will,
now stop asking about my Goddamn pills!

-MonsterGirl

Why do you have to lie to me? Why?

Today, i felt INVISIBLE.

i am INVISIBLE in school. my feelings arent spared at all. everytime people see me, they will look away, they dont wana see the hurt in my eyes and feel it too!
I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL!!

I AM NOT INVISIBLE! I AM HERE!!

I FEEL LIKE I RESTRICT YOU FROM MAKING FRIENDS! Your friends talk to you when im not around. why?!! Why wont your friends talk to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not invisible i am here!!! have i been outcasted for too long?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-MonsterGirl

H, all i really want is to be friends with you.

This past few days has been really strange.
this whole positive energy from the people around me is really overwhelming.
im so used to becoming a really negative person and all this positive energy is killing me.
i woke up today and the first thing i did was smile. like OMGOTH what is happening to me? i dont smile. thats not my nature.
i feel so different. like i turned to somebody im not. like who am i? and i had the strongest urge to text the people that made a difference in my life and i did. and its amazing the things they reply back onto me.
but there was this one text that really got me thinking.


this text is from an unknown number. She/He texted this

"Dear MonsterGirl,
I notice you silently from a corner, cold and alone.
the misery and pain i notice in your eyes are unbearable.
i dont know what pain you have been through in your life but i can see it in your eyes.
everytime i see you, i really just wanna go up to you, talk to you. but i cant. you look truly like a monster(no offence). why? why do you build a barrier to seperate yourself and the world? why? please, dont do that. you are a very special person. i know. i have heard stories about you. you are not as bad as you think you are. Believe me. everytime i see you, all i waited for is your smile. and you never gave em to me. why? you are a really brave girl. you manage to put up a strong front despite the fact that deep inside you are actually drowning in pain and hurt. evoking sadness. i noticed you since july last year. what happened? i dont want you to know who i am. but just to tell you this, i do notice you.
A.H "

and Goth, i cried. i mean to know that someone, i dont even know, notice me. I dont wanna know who she?he is. please God dont let me find out. im scared. im sorry i never did smile at you. i never much smile. but im not the only one in this world that has such a past. Dont notice me please, im fine being on my own. i was there for myself when i crumbled down, i picked myself up. please just dont notice me anymore.



to tell you the truth, the trainers were really weird. their sudden RA RA energy is scaring me. Leroy, reminds me of Zacky. i mean c`mon if i had a picture of him, Bad ass Clan will agree with me to, so anyway i hanged out with Bad ass clan and they said i looked really troubled. and i told them i was. i am just stuck with my own self. Leroy asked this question, "who are you?" Leroy is a protecter. i am a FIGHTER. I will never give up fighting for things i love. and when i told sara about me and she said "a fighter? i think of you more as silent thinker, you never talk much but when we have problems, we go to you. in you, we seek comfort sweetie. eventhough youu are so much younger than we are, you are really mature and you understand the world better than any 16 year old i know. Thats why you clan with us longer. You made a difference in my life monsie. you did. and you know why."

yes, and i do know why.



The night when we had our closing, i called mum over. she couldnt make it because she was ill. i didnt said anything after that. i told myself, then, after this, people will go home in fancy cars with mum and DAD and i will be going home alone. it sucks! it really kils me inside. not becuase mum didnt make it. Because i was afraid to lose mum too. it aint easy bringing up a family of 6, with 5 cats. yes it aint easy. but stil mum made it. you know what mum is, she is a fighter too. and i know mum that everytime you sleep, you pray for us all. that we will grow up to not be a failure. and i know it hurts you when you found out the silly things i do to hurt myself. Mum, im sorry. you are the only person i have now. it doesnt matter if i turned Goth, or Gypsy, Or Ska, because deep down i am still the girl that loves you. Mum, i never know what would beome of me if you ended up sending us to the orpahnage. what will become of all 5 of us. thank you for letting us expereince failure and take that as life`s lesson. Thank you for being both a Dad and a Mum. Thank you for throwing us to the cruel world and letting us meet the different types of personalities. Thank you.

Brother, im sorry, i made fun of the number of pimples on your face, but you gotta admit, it looks like a strwberry garden. it does! but, thank you for being Dad. Thank you for discplining us. Thank you for screaming at me! it help. thank you for being so concern about my safety. You are the best older brother anyone can ever ask for! because you set good examples no matter how much you are being forced not to. You are a great man, you dealt with rejection better than anyone of us. and i know you were closer to dad than i was and you too his passing as a challenge for you to be stronger. Thank you. im sure mum can never make it without you. Thank you for performing your prayers despite the fact that your friends are buncha people who smoke, drink and do drugs. Hardcore kids. but Bro, we are both alike. and thats why you can share how hurt you were when kitty left you. `sokay bro. you dont need kitty to make you feel happy. you have feeza. ^.^V YES FEEZA MY BROTHER HAS A MAJOR CRUSH ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!


and bro, im sorry you lost your MP3 and Audio Technica headphones yesterday while praying at the mosque. but you know what, you handle that lost so cool. if i were in your show i think i would have blamed the world and never want to speak to God again. But you didnt. you are amazing.





the only reason why the world never sees me crying because i keep telling myself that im strong! i dont have to cry. but deep down inside, im crying a million tears, just for dad to hear me say "I LOVE YOU". and when im alone, i talk to dad and i asked him, why did he leave us all? why? only when im alone, i am myself. and the real me is damn bad UGLY.

and for those fo you who have Dads and dont treat them right, please donate them to me D:

but no, Abah, you will always be the best father any child will ever want

-MonsterGirl

New year, new change.
please God, bless them all.
Dont ever let them forget what made them cry.
something that touches their hearts, please, let them be beautiful.


Beautiful people do beautiful things.


Amin

2009


So lets just say i have to describe 2008 in one word, that word will be "pfft"

yeah. so to hell with it.


The start of the new year, again, its just amazing How sometimes, we pray so hard for the ppl we hate. so that they will be better off in the upcoming year but they are still the same. I hate the clans who sat on the memorial wall. done, confession. -_- mats.



so talk about school. sheessh... no thats not sucha good idea. -_-
today we had some adam khoo workshop and trust me, Leroy, so annoying. -__-
i mean cmon.
cant you see? i have problems with myself!! I hate myself to very depth that i sometimes question my existence. and when i talk, i feel invisible. Trust me, GOD!! i feel like stabbing him with knives that juts out of my eyes. He doesnt scare me. Not at all, but somehow, he has Zeeq`s lingo and zacky`s movement and such. and PANG! i miss BAD ASS CLAN so much now!! -_-
I hate myself. you know in this workshop, you "search" for your goals and you improve your character. and then i found out something, i dont know where im heading to in life. i really dont. and this makcik sitting beside me said that i should be Ellen DeGenerous instead of Oprah Winfrey. -_- i mean like, jokes aside, i really dont know what i wanna be. or what i wanna do.


And the Leroy said this "Dont let the past stop you from reaching your Goal" but sometimes, there is the deepest darkest secret past that you dont want to let go of. the pain u feel while remebering it, reminds you that you are still alive. I dont get it, how do these people get up there so easily? and all those stories they made up about their past, were they true? or was it just made up to motivate us? and we were suppose to throw away our sceptism away and just turn naiive? no! This is wrong. I mean cmon, all the trainers really did suffer that much in thier life? candice? andrea? leroy? its too good to be true. my past teaches me to differentiate between fairytales and reality. and trust me when i say this, perhaps, there is a slight chance that thier "life stories" were actually other people`s life stories. I mean c`mon, your dad throws you off to Austraillia all by yourself just like that? and the way you told the story was as if you made that up.



I hate this workshop so much!! Because it made me realize who i really am, a complete loser. everyone has dreams of their own, be it becoming a lawyer, an artist, a surgeon, a radiotheraphist, a docter, a teacher, a caregiver, whatever. but none of them in the workshop are like me. i really dont know where im heading to in life. i really dont. and seeing this part of me, pathetic and ordinary, who am i? who does the world see me as? Who am i to the world?
why? Why God am i being put in this situation where i am being thrown out to the world and not being guided? i need a guide. like a light at the end of the path. this Maze that im going thru.


im a completely changed person. What ever happened to the old me? what happened to my self esteem? its gone, completely? why? why now? why am i such a failure? when is my turn to get up? in 10 years time, i`ll see, Hajar, as a succesful person. yasmin, maybe in the SIA with lotsa friends. Nurul a radiotherepist. Diyana a teacher? Zahirah a docter? and what about me? Nadirah, the road sweeper? How long am i going to be stuck in this position? i cant budge? not at all? why?


I Dont know what are my strength anymore. i didnt write anything at all. i need like an Angel. A guide, to bring me thru. i dont wana die in regret at all. i dont, this wrold has become so different to me. am i really an outcast?


Why is it that when i speak, or laugh, people just gives me this "can-you-just-fucking-shut-up-you-are-so-annoying" look? why? is my face really that hateble? am i really that unpleasant? why wont people give me a chance to speak? why wont they give me a chance to realize my potential? why? sometimes, when she`s up there, demanding respect and giving instructions, i have this inner desire deep within me that tells me "I should be up there! I can do that better" but i`ll bury this inner desire deep within me. and let it go deeper and deeper. why wont they give me a chance? am i really that umpleasent? because of my "dark" image? but they dont understand me. not at all. never. and they never bother trying to understand me at all. why? am i so invisible? like hello? im here! i am! have i been outcasted for so long?



NO! you dont understand me. you never do. you never give me a chance to. you never bothered. im invisible to you. im walking in someone else`s shadow. im capable of better things. give me a chance to let this lion out. but the world is unfair, they only give chances to popular, rich, pretty, and slim girls.



THATS SCHOOL!


welcome 2009. i am ready for another year of hell. -_-

-MonsterGirl