2009


So lets just say i have to describe 2008 in one word, that word will be "pfft"

yeah. so to hell with it.


The start of the new year, again, its just amazing How sometimes, we pray so hard for the ppl we hate. so that they will be better off in the upcoming year but they are still the same. I hate the clans who sat on the memorial wall. done, confession. -_- mats.



so talk about school. sheessh... no thats not sucha good idea. -_-
today we had some adam khoo workshop and trust me, Leroy, so annoying. -__-
i mean cmon.
cant you see? i have problems with myself!! I hate myself to very depth that i sometimes question my existence. and when i talk, i feel invisible. Trust me, GOD!! i feel like stabbing him with knives that juts out of my eyes. He doesnt scare me. Not at all, but somehow, he has Zeeq`s lingo and zacky`s movement and such. and PANG! i miss BAD ASS CLAN so much now!! -_-
I hate myself. you know in this workshop, you "search" for your goals and you improve your character. and then i found out something, i dont know where im heading to in life. i really dont. and this makcik sitting beside me said that i should be Ellen DeGenerous instead of Oprah Winfrey. -_- i mean like, jokes aside, i really dont know what i wanna be. or what i wanna do.


And the Leroy said this "Dont let the past stop you from reaching your Goal" but sometimes, there is the deepest darkest secret past that you dont want to let go of. the pain u feel while remebering it, reminds you that you are still alive. I dont get it, how do these people get up there so easily? and all those stories they made up about their past, were they true? or was it just made up to motivate us? and we were suppose to throw away our sceptism away and just turn naiive? no! This is wrong. I mean cmon, all the trainers really did suffer that much in thier life? candice? andrea? leroy? its too good to be true. my past teaches me to differentiate between fairytales and reality. and trust me when i say this, perhaps, there is a slight chance that thier "life stories" were actually other people`s life stories. I mean c`mon, your dad throws you off to Austraillia all by yourself just like that? and the way you told the story was as if you made that up.



I hate this workshop so much!! Because it made me realize who i really am, a complete loser. everyone has dreams of their own, be it becoming a lawyer, an artist, a surgeon, a radiotheraphist, a docter, a teacher, a caregiver, whatever. but none of them in the workshop are like me. i really dont know where im heading to in life. i really dont. and seeing this part of me, pathetic and ordinary, who am i? who does the world see me as? Who am i to the world?
why? Why God am i being put in this situation where i am being thrown out to the world and not being guided? i need a guide. like a light at the end of the path. this Maze that im going thru.


im a completely changed person. What ever happened to the old me? what happened to my self esteem? its gone, completely? why? why now? why am i such a failure? when is my turn to get up? in 10 years time, i`ll see, Hajar, as a succesful person. yasmin, maybe in the SIA with lotsa friends. Nurul a radiotherepist. Diyana a teacher? Zahirah a docter? and what about me? Nadirah, the road sweeper? How long am i going to be stuck in this position? i cant budge? not at all? why?


I Dont know what are my strength anymore. i didnt write anything at all. i need like an Angel. A guide, to bring me thru. i dont wana die in regret at all. i dont, this wrold has become so different to me. am i really an outcast?


Why is it that when i speak, or laugh, people just gives me this "can-you-just-fucking-shut-up-you-are-so-annoying" look? why? is my face really that hateble? am i really that unpleasant? why wont people give me a chance to speak? why wont they give me a chance to realize my potential? why? sometimes, when she`s up there, demanding respect and giving instructions, i have this inner desire deep within me that tells me "I should be up there! I can do that better" but i`ll bury this inner desire deep within me. and let it go deeper and deeper. why wont they give me a chance? am i really that umpleasent? because of my "dark" image? but they dont understand me. not at all. never. and they never bother trying to understand me at all. why? am i so invisible? like hello? im here! i am! have i been outcasted for so long?



NO! you dont understand me. you never do. you never give me a chance to. you never bothered. im invisible to you. im walking in someone else`s shadow. im capable of better things. give me a chance to let this lion out. but the world is unfair, they only give chances to popular, rich, pretty, and slim girls.



THATS SCHOOL!


welcome 2009. i am ready for another year of hell. -_-

-MonsterGirl