To Whom it may concern,

Tonight i sit here, im in tears but nobody is here for me. For now i realize that today, I`m not sure wher I`m heading to from here. I dont want to move on. I cant seem to. I dwell on the past. The memories we used to share.You were really my happiness the only thing i smile sincerely for.Too Bad for me, good things came to an end too quickly.I Wasnt ready for it.But you were. I asked Myself, Do you actually plan this from the start? Why, Oh why Do i have to fall for you? WHY! I Fell this pain. The stinging reality.Your stupid friends! Why listen to them! They Dont understand how you feel do they? They have not experience it before have they?Why listen to them? This part of me still wants you back.But you are gone now.FAr Far away. You are there but you are just not there. Oh why do this have to happen twice? The first time,It didnt hurt that deep. This time, it hurt real deep. Oh why do i have to let this affect me so much?I feel like a complete loser. I had you when everyone else wanted you. I had you but i just lost it. Yes its true people change, but promises are not to be broken. You dont break promises and Give that as an excuse for your freaking behaviour. Before you left me, you treated me as if i meant nothing to you on our last week. I knew that you are gonna leave me. I was just waiting fot the words to escape your lips. But on michelle`s birthday, We talked.You told me to concentrate on my papers first.You didnt let those words escape your lips.You install false hope in me. You mafe me think that things were gonna get better. On my biology paper day, You told me straight to my face, "No! i dont want you!" I was at my ends. I couldnt believe that you were actually so mean. I thought on the day we tlked, you would go home and think about it but i guess not. You choosed to hurt me real deep.Do you actually plan all this? Installing false hope in me and then hurting me? Oh why was i stupid enough to fall for you? You and me, its just too good to be true. I cant seem to believe that you ever cared for me. I cant seem to believe that you ever cared for me. If i could turn back time, i wished i was never nice to you. But i know that even that, wont happen cos i dun have the heart to do it. Its too late now isnt it? You have your friends to help you move on. Im the biggest loser who fall for you. I can never look at things the same.Congratulations to everyone who wanted this to end. You guys got what you prayed for. Now, i come to a conclusion. Happiness is not permanant. Once you lost it, its gone forever.Its a pity i let my happiness live in you, cos now its gone. Gone forever. I am trying to find reasons to pretend im alright. Im running out of them. Im never looking at things the same. My happiness is gone, Gone forever.

Gosh, i feel so uneasy.. Something is not right..


ANGEL____

I`m sitting here,
Realizing my fear,
What im really afraid,
is to be shot dead.

Not with fancy bullets,
not by the billiards
with the truth it seems,
it was just dreams.

Dear God, Hear me cry,
This tears are longing to dry.
Why Give me the harsh reality?
I rather live in my fantasy!!

Please Everyone just leave me,
let my thoughts run free.
Leave me like how she manage to,
i can never pull this through.

You were all i ever wanted,
You were all i ever needed,
Leaving me in agony,
Wont you rather kill me??

Oh please realize,
You broke your promise twice.
Why do i keep dreaming,
That things are not changing?

Make me this way,
You threw me away.
I was left to suffer
paid the price of what i once desire


This sufferings are too painful,
why cant you stay truthful?
Why let them change your thinking?
Why let them control your feelings?

No you dont feel this pain,
Why do you treat this like a game?
You know very well you were everything.
Thank you for making me realize, i was only dreaming.

Yes, For now i know,
It was all a show,
Im Nobody, to deserve lovely you,
It was too good to be true.

uhhhhhhhh.. went to bugis today. it doesnt fit man!
UGH!! anyway, yah. school was... Different..
Everytime i dream she met in a disaster, she never turns out for school the next day.
Ouh God, you do know i dont hate her. You do know i still care for her. You took her away, like what you did. But please shower her with your blessings God. Heal her of all the pain she`s in. Let me be the one to suffer the struggles. Let it be me, She doesnt deserve to be in pain. I Do, Cause i was the cause of all her problems. It was me! ME ME ME!!


xoxo

HA!! OMG! Finally Found The syuff at bugis! Stupid People Cant stop staring man! School Sucks, As usual.. HAAH! I was mad, I Punched the pillar! WHOOOOO!!

hahah!

Wrote a freaking poemwhen mr ang came and ask whats wrong with me lately. Obviously i wont tell him uh. He said i changed since i was in Sec1 and Sec2. I know this is who i am. Yes i changed into a monster, a freak. But i like it! There is no way you are gonna see the talkative and bubbly nadirah again. She has long gone. she died. They killed the confidence in her.









two poems..







Blessings____







If She could make amend.

to the things she lost at hand,

sleepless nights, Painful sights,

She is not willing to put up a fight.





To heal a broken heart

and let things part,

Forcing it your way,

day by day.





Offer her your blessings God,

As you see her turn into a fraud.

hated,Grimaced and discriminated,

She never once felt Contempted







She thought she could trust you,

revealing feelings that grew.

You proved her wrong,

but she went on strong.





Please hear this cry

of someone who try

To be stuck in her own world

Searching for that one special pearl.





A world of vampire demons,

Overpowering the humans.

A world of dark street lights

creatures with fangs that bites.





Creating poison in her mind,

bringing her to the end of time,

Yet she knew now and never

Can never be the answer.







She wanted happiness to last forever

But the truth stabbed her.

Ending her game,

And never to love again.







The other poem sucks ah! It doesnt even rhyme! So i am not posting it yet! haha!

Poems is the only way i express my feelings i guess.. I miss ,miss yeo.. She writes beautiful poems. I like myself now. I keep things to myself.. Im dont speak much.. That good cause most of the time, i waste my energy trying to speak. Cause when i do, no one listens. Plus i dont want to speak out my feelings cause at the end of the day, Nobody spares a thought for my feelings..

Hehe.. So Here i am blogging again!


haah! OKay so yea, yesterday i didnt go to malaysia! HUHUHHU!! YEESSSSAAHHH!!


I bet some people enjoyed themselves without me. Happy for them at last no me to ruin their friendship. So yea, i stayed in school, blah blah blah. Everything went well but i was so UHHHHHHH GLAAAAAAAAAAD from chapel onwards. They went to chapel so the malay girls haf to go to library. so yea, most of them are gone in malaysia i made friends with Atiqa. erm yea. hah. we felt awkard(as usaul) but it was awesome. Talk to GG! haah! she reads the same book as me! Twilight! Hotstuff! Edward is a freaking gothsome vampire! HEH! so yea.. blah blah blah.. Then after school went to Far east with clique and Brenda boo. AJ was effing pissed when we came late. so this is what happened when i saw her,,



AJ: (stares at us walking towards her with angry face)

NJ: So babe, How was your day?

AJ: (turns and looks into NJ`s eyes with flames) I waited here for 45 fucking mins and my friends left!

AJ: (Stomps off restuarant)

haha!

but it was cool after that..



Princess keeps complementing her eyes saying it was nice and all...

so yea i saw it was gorgeous ah goegeous! haha! Had fun and hahahaah laughed laughed laughed.

went home rested for the next day..







Today, i have to freaking wake up early to go to furama hotel for function and stuff,,

it was awesome man,. haha. so kak Filzah was kinda pissed cos the people who came for the function was complaining to her bout stuff. so Cik Razak told her to put up a sign athat says "I am Deaf" haha! so she did. i made it for her. And then i made one for myself that says "She`s deaf" and arrow pointing to her and Abg nafis wrote one for himself dat says " Im Not" haha! yea ok/ So the place was kinda agood place to do much much photography. Too bad i was dressed in traditional so i dint really took much pictures.. haha! Today, i didnt were eyeliner cos went out with mum! its a rule btw. That i cant use eyeliner or dress goth weni go out with her. yea.. hah.

ok so yea it was really great to help out around and stuff. but im shagged.. haha..

Today is just completely insane! Like OMG! But i ended up shagged! So i wrote a poem. Its called, She cries. here it goes.


Till Today i regret,
And lived my life in Dread.
Tears filled my eyes
As Your promise was broken twice.


Misery Caught my eyes
As i Realized your stupid lies,
Symphony of our two hearts beating
are now slowly fading.


I thought A blade at hand,
Would Make amend,
to the promise you onced vow,
dissapointed i was,
When you let it go.




You wanted to be free
Your sinister eyes on me.
I screamed In anguish
Pleading you to never Vanish.




For i Saw Dad In you
Before his time was due.
His smile in your eyes.
My empty heart cries.




As those words "NO! I dont want you!"
Shattered my heart and scarred me through.
I felt a Stinging pain,
Leaving my Surroundings Faint.



Still,I was stubborn.
I dint want to feel abondon
for the times we used to share,
No Dear! This Isnt Fair!




xoxo

Read This!

Ok im back again. I saw a comment on someone`s friendster homepage. Its just really Funny How You quickly shift the blame to someone but urself. Weird isnt it. Yea, well you see, when we ur friends like kinda dun like this particular friend, they talk bad stuff about this person to you. and of course if u find that person annoying, you will do the same. but i wonder why these bunch of ppl are not like my clique. my clique believes that "whatever is said here, stays here" that way, things will be better. Next time to those idiots who feels unsatisfied with your THAT friend, dont badmouth about her if you cant control your tounge. Cause when you realize your mistake, you shift the blame to someone else but yourself. Now, its normal for one to feel unsatisfied over someone and badmouth about her, its alright, as long you know how to control your tounge, its ok. But Why do you guys have to shift the blame on someone else and start calling people bitch and stuff. If you hadnt realize, You guys dont seem to like her and even add salt and pepper when people are talking bout her. If you think im a bitch, then you should just call yourself a whore. That`s why i dont like to mix around with THESE type of people, cause you will use me as a scapegoat. Ha! Seriously, You should Just look back and pounder over What you guys are doing, everyone has their own faults. But also everyone has their rights too. Remember that. If you think That Because of this, It should all end, Then you sholudnt have made those promises at the first place. Now if you think that apologizing will make things better, then i can also slap you and say "oops! sorry". Pounder over this. And Myabe one day, God will forgive you.

xoxo

HAha! Finally Exams ARE OVER!! HAHA!! i was suppose to go ice-skating today but have to go home, mummy`s not well. heehaha. Went out with bestfren to serenes to get ice-cream and had funny long chats! Bestie is gonna go out jamming man!! haah! I cant go for phriya`s gig man!! i wanna meet bestie`s friends.. They are super uber awesome. HAHA!! yea so yea, we talk about stuff that happened in school and outside and stuff. So went home and guess who i saw? ALAN!! yes i saw alan! i dunno if he is stalking me or what ah but ohmegosh! He was dressed in black! But its cool to be stalked by mr Emo! HAHA!! I tried to smile but he was too far. haha! so yea,


Bestie told me some stuff. Haha, that some people have corrupted minds! AND OHMYGOSH how much i hate this people! yea.. haah!!

I want the pictures from our photoshoots! DAMN!
haha!

xoxo